Your mum kept asking why I do not blog. But I don't know how to express all these feelings inside of me for you. They are so much bigger than words, and every time I want to put them into words, it feels like the words demean the feelings. If I were to describe my feelings, I'd say... Colors.
Your dad used to have a heart full of colors. There was green, orange, blue, red, purple and all the shades in between. I was young, and everyday was an adventure. Everyday was a day to look forward, every emotion something to be cherished. Yes, even the negative ones like sadness, disappointment and anger were like treasures to me.
Then somewhere along the way, they dulled. I can't pinpoint one single reason, or any reason. It just happened. And I just accepted it. Until the point where they look more like shades of gray than anything else. Colors still do happen from time to time, but they now become gray rapidly and never stuck around anymore. And after sometime they became glaring whenever they appeared.
Fatherhood is amazing. It is an explosion of colors that I've not seen in decades. The sky blue when I idle at work and think of you. The magenta when I look at you and you smile at me. The warm yellow when we continue looking at each other smiling. The orange red when your mum tells me she feels that you might be sick. The pale green when only your mum seems to be able to make you happy. The steel blue when I have to kiss you goodbye for the night.
I hope I can keep my colors for as long as possible. But more importantly, I want to help you keep yours for as long as possible. Gray will eventually still enter, unfortunately it is part of life to feel disillusion and despair, but let's try to push it back, and try to push it away even as it comes.
Because having regained and realized what I lost, I understood how much time I've wasted not trying for colors each and every moment of my life.
Because colors, my son, is what makes a life worth living. Else it's not a life, it's merely a survival.
With Love,
Your Dad.
P.S.. OK, this didn't turn out short after all.