Dad letter #2 - Colors

Hi Connor.

This particular letter is going to be short.

Your mum kept asking why I do not blog. But I don't know how to express all these feelings inside of me for you. They are so much bigger than words, and every time I want to put them into words, it feels like the words demean the feelings. If I were to describe my feelings, I'd say... Colors.

Your dad used to have a heart full of colors. There was green, orange, blue, red, purple and all the shades in between. I was young, and everyday was an adventure. Everyday was a day to look forward, every emotion something to be cherished. Yes, even the negative ones like sadness, disappointment and anger were like treasures to me.

Then somewhere along the way, they dulled. I can't pinpoint one single reason, or any reason. It just happened. And I just accepted it. Until the point where they look more like shades of gray than anything else. Colors still do happen from time to time, but they now become gray rapidly and never stuck around anymore. And after sometime they became glaring whenever they appeared.

Fatherhood is amazing. It is an explosion of colors that I've not seen in decades. The sky blue when I idle at work and think of you. The magenta when I look at you and you smile at me. The warm yellow when we continue looking at each other smiling. The orange red when your mum tells me she feels that you might be sick. The pale green when only your mum seems to be able to make you happy. The steel blue when I have to kiss you goodbye for the night.

I hope I can keep my colors for as long as possible. But more importantly, I want to help you keep yours for as long as possible. Gray will eventually still enter, unfortunately it is part of life to feel disillusion and despair, but let's try to push it back, and try to push it away even as it comes.

Because having regained and realized what I lost, I understood how much time I've wasted not trying for colors each and every moment of my life.

Because colors, my son, is what makes a life worth living. Else it's not a life, it's merely a survival.

With Love,
Your Dad.

P.S.. OK, this didn't turn out short after all.

Sick Con

Hello my lil man.
U been having diarrhea for days.
Dunno when u started a eating hand habit.
Bought u to polyclinic alone.
Long journey. The waiting hour is about 2.
Den a nurse came by and say "omg what a cute lil thing",
She asked me what's wrong. I said u diarrhea until ur ass rot le.
She actually help me jumped queue. Haha.
Cute lil man.
But doctor say can't help you much. No cure for diarrhea.
But now u r getting better. So is the nappy rash at your ass.
Mama been washing ur covered in shit ass with her finger
While dada carry you. Even dada level up. Dun need mask for your shit anymore. Haha

Get well soon. Ml
My cute lil thing.

Love you lots. Mum.

Poor Baby Con

Hello my lil connor.

U r having constipation I think..

When u have your own baby, well..

I think constipation is common. 

U will have alot of I THINK.

I think he's hungry...?

I think his diapers is full...?

Well.. Poor you.

Makes my heart ache. 

And of course super stressful when u kept crying

and your mama cant do shit to help you.

U are now asleep and using my blanket.

While i am here blogging sneezing away.

Oh my cute lil monster.

Your dada and mama officially join Connor Fan Club. =D

Shirt r abit tight.. Mummy gonna go exercise, so i can keep fit.

And keep wearing Connor shirt. =D 

I remember the day when I was admitted to hospital,

Because u were overdue.

Doctor gonna induce me.

Well, the scariest day ever..

Contraction pain kinda hurts.

Well, your mum used to be in the SAF Navy.

Everyone call me Rambo-ness.

I can lift a pack of rice on my own.

I have these muscle but not much brain.

This I admit.

Your dada got all the brain, No muscle.

Haha, we complete each other!

So I thought, Contraction...Nahh..

But it was kinda pain. Lol.

So i opted for the MIRACLE NEEDLE. Epidural.

Where u have to bend and show your spine.. and they inject some stuff.

Your mama hates injection..hates and scare.

So.. they took an hour to inject me.

Cause I sweat so much, my back all slippery.

I cried too. Theres this old nurse beside me holding me and comfort me.

I wipe all my tears, saliva, mucus on her.

But seriously i am grateful she being around me.

Well i even squeeze her arms until.. red and pain?

And so halfway I black out for a while, maybe a few minutes.. and i feel myself peeing.

Den when i get back around, I thought the needle is in.. but its not.

Apparently i cry and scare until faint. LMAO.

So much for Rambo-ness.

After like an hour, the doctor buey tahan me, I think he got pissed off.

So he call in his mentor. And Tada.. Kaotim.

It hurts like fuck, for a while... And then u wont feel anything anymore.

After that its just waiting... for you to come out.

But you wont come out... Haha, we waited from 28/09/15 to 30/09/15.

The thing is, Those doctors.. everytime they come in... They just poke my CB.

So pissed off. Like a prositute. And ur dada sleeping on the Sofa. Snoring.

Also after the epidural, they took a super long tube to poke my water bag.

Imagine someone put something so long inside.... Faint*.

And you still dun wanna come out.

Doctor also keep checking on you and said you shitted in my stomach..

Imagine ur smelly shit in my stomach.

After damn long, doc say have to do c-section.

So.. they push me into the operating theater.

I was shaking and trembling until my hand buey tahan.

Its because they X 2 the epidural i think.

So I was cut open alive.

Because of the epidural. I have fever. And when they cut me open,

I can feel them putting their hand in and digging you.

And then keep pressing on my stomach, trying to press press press to make you get closer

to the cut hole den dig u out i think.

The pressing makes me feel sick wanna vomit.

The moment you r out, u were like "WAAA" 2 second. den no more.

I was like dying and ?_? (something happen to me baby)

Then after a while a nurse just dump you on my chest.

Say need to skin to skin shit. And den u were like so close to my nose.

I cant breathe. I feel sick, I having fever, I scare I vomit on you.

Well, vomit is all germs, I dun wan you come out 1st day only sick.

So i ask the nurse to shoo you away. 

Kinda regret that now.

After that they sew me up for like an hour plus.

Den push me into some recovery room.

I was like, "Can I see my Baby??"

The nurse say no. Need to stay here for an hour.

I was like feeling perfectly FINE.

So I keep disturbing the nurse everytime she walk pass.

And she let me go after 40 minutes. =D

Get to see u 20 minutes earlier!

And there u were.. the love of my life.

Yes, I was shaking your head.. Trying to wake you up.

Pregnancy is not easy.

I vomit most of my favourite food out the moment i ate them.

I cant reach my feet.

I cant wear panties.

Cant wash my feet when I bath.

Also cant dry them afterward.

Felt so useless during that time.

Everywhere ache.

But its worth it.

My fav photo no.1 So innocent looking.

My fav photo no. 2 Toot face.

P.S Dada say ur eyes all black black very scary.

P.S Dada say you look like E.T when you cry. Which is cute.

All hail Connor Sama. 

We love you. Always.

Connor Boy Second Swimming

Hello my lil monster.

Today is your swimming day!!

You hate Dada place..

But its not Dada fault.

Dada doing his best. To bond with you.

To make you like him.

But for some reason, u seems to dislike him.

His place is dirty and small, cause its not his place!!

Its his mum. She made it dirty and stuff.

Because of that Dada and Mama not living together.

And we only bring you here during the weekend.

Dada's Mum is sick too. We were, Okay I am worried she might pass germs to you.

So we have to live separately. 

I hope I can give you the best.

But then again, people need to be poor to learn stuff.

Like don't anyhow spend money.

Learn how to save.

Not everything is free. You need to earn it.

Anyways, in order to let you like Dada house more.

We gonna put all your toys at his house.

Thats what I intended.

And the first toy will be your Swimming Tub!!

Its cost ard 100+ okay.

Dada bought for you. I hope when u are reading this someday,

u'll know how much ur dada loves you.

You seems so happy when you are swimming.

Although didnt manage to capture any photos of you smiling.

But trust me you were smiling.

U shitted twice today too.

Maybe its the exercise.

Everytime your Dada clean your shit, Its like 1 new pack of baby wipe gone.

Everything is so expensive. =\

Now my precious lil man is sleeping.

Remember we love you.

Naughty Boy

My dear Connor Boy..

You are sososo naughty today.

So naughty i actually feel angry inside!!

Ughh! 

Don't make me whack a baby!

U refuses to sleep.

Kept crying.

Tried feeding you.

You drink and then vomit everything out.

Gave u pacifier. Suck abit den spat out.

Hug you. You cry.

Put you down. You cry.

Let you play Alphabet Music. You cry.

....

U r so not cute today.

If only baby can talk.

I really hope I can know what izzit that u need.

I dun wan u feeling uncomfortable somewhere

and den me and ur dada keep feeding u milk.

I wanna do the right thing. Maybe u got a new kind of "Want" now.

Its 3am. You were sleeping fine until I started loading "Hearthstone"

Its just some online card game. The moment i click with my mouse, you woke up.

You see, ur dada and I. We love game. We used to play day and night. 

Ever since u came out.. we haven been able to play any shit.

Well maybe just ur shit. HAHA.

Whatever it is.. I love you. I can give up the world for you.

But hopefully, you wont grow up and be angry naughty and all kind of bad stuff.

Maybe i'll get retribution because ur Mama me, also rebellious angry naughty to my mama.

Which is ur grandma.. I tell you more next time.

But just know that everyone in this world loves you.

Even people that I or ur Dada hate.

They all love u.

P.S I earn alot $$ by selling your photo to your Dada.
*wink*