Connor BABY!!!

Hello precious. We have moved  into our new home for 3 months now. U seems to be getting used to it now. U have a whole room of toys to yourself. Which... Sometimes u will push dada or me in, so we could play with you. Time is so precious.. I have only this much time in 1 day. And I need to work need to cook and you keep wanting us to play with you for like 247. Sometimes I wanna make some pastry.. So I just left u with ur dada. But then ur dada also want to have some of his own time. So sometimes  u ended up playing alone. I feel so guilty sometimes. I am sorry my baby boy. I love you more and more each day. I will play with you more okay?? Ur feet is on my face right now. I ma kiss them lil feet.. I love you  Connor. Dun u ever forget that..

To be needed without replacements

Hi Connor,

Das thought about this a few days ago, when you just woke up for school, and obviously just want to stay home. Dad had little choice but to bring you there though. Mom and dad gotta work to bring home the dough.

But it got me thinking, about certain frustrations I've been having and why.

When you grow up, perhaps you will learn of this world too. it is a cynical, cynical world. And one where every team leader, every boss will say no one is irreplaceable. One gets used to it. I got used to it.

But your world, as I am coming to know more of each day, works on different rules. And some things, are just not replaceable to you. Your mom is one, and I am another.

It is a great honor, and one that I should appreciate from the start. But I didn't.

Well, because though it is extremely unflattering to be easily replaceable, and to not be uniquely essential, it does offer certain benefits and conveniences. For one, it means that I can take a rest, and I can do other stuff without the world collapsing.

So when for once in my life I am irreplaceable, I found it frustrating. Why can't I take a break? Why can't you just play with yourself? Why do you come running after me mere seconds of me moving away to do something else?

As I was hugging you on that Tuesday morning, you in your school uniform, me in my work clothes, I realised that I have became so desensitized to being unimportant, that when I finally became a VIP to someone, I instinctively reject it instead of embracing it. Crude comparison, I became so used to being given shit that I became angry when someone showed up with cake.

In a world when instead of being seen as me, I am seen only by my abilities and attributes, as replaceable parts of machines, I have became more foolish than I ought to be. To detest being put in such an important role in your life.

I have wasted 19 months and 3 days being foolish. It is time to reclaim some of my wisdom. It is time to relish being seen as a human again, as uniquely me. Time to love you.

Regards,
Dad, a.k.a. Dada